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Here’s where we last left things off with our brave, yet thoroughly challenged “Blissful Idiot” of a test subject as he continued to penetrate his way deeper into the belly of this bizarre utopian beast better known as a “Transformational festival.” Follow as he dares to step foot inside the bold, mystical world of wondrous workshops…
“…I figured I’d just let the magical chalkboard help guide my workshop decision. Even though I had taken a fanciful journey through the fields of Avalon, I finally knew which special sauce class I would attend. All it took was a kooky information booth encounter, an infinity sign with a “dick” on it, an indecisive sex pendulum, a tropical smoothie (it really was so yummy though!) and a magical chalkboard to bring me here. Talk about a laundry list of fun! Yes, I was ready to plunge into the sorcerous realm of workshop defilement. I mean, evolving can’t be all that hard can it? I bet the teacher hands out a syllabus at the beginning of the class. Maybe some super swell jolly ranchers to boot! Whether there was an assortment of delectable candies or not, the time had come to go for it! I was ready to put on another layer of detective latex. Maybe a designer thinking cap too. Ready to get covered in filthy wisdom juices helping deliver a big fat golden love child of truth into the world. So the first-ever sweaty workshop I got all inside of was…”
Matthew A. Cremer reporting = 0 )
You know, ever since I was a little truth sleuther growing up on the hardcore streets of good ole Midwestern Bible Belt suburbia, I’ve always wanted to meet a real-life wizard. I’ve also always wondered what it would be like to meet a real-life hippity person with long, wavy hair. And boy oh boy, it looks like I’m in for a real hot doozey of a two-fer treat here! Because guess what folks – the kooky character leading this madcap workshop caper was both of those rolled into one giant sushi roll of weirdo. And you might say, “Ahhh, no way! That’s impossible. Get the fuck outta here!” To which I would then cheerily reply, “Now why on Earth would I want to get out of here!? I just golly heck got here, silly!”
But anywho, the long haired wizard person in charge of this episode of Temple fun time went by the curious name of “Kevin Menear” (whatever that means). And the class went by the title of “Sound & Sacred Geometry” (whatever that means). I wonder how these two even got paired together anyways. Ya know, come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone named “Kevin” before either. Geez Louise, talk about a triple play fun pack of entertainment! GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!
Oh gosh, where to begin on this crazy geometry shit-show madness. For starters, he sure knew how to rock out a freestanding dry-erase board. Plus he had an acoustic guitar! And everyone knows those are quite the big ole rarity these days! One that he must serenade beautiful, buxom-bosomed bohemian babes with at all the transient car rallies. Him and that Random Rab beat whisperer cowboy I keep hearing about should totally unify into a stallion-haired super-force. Come to think of it, if I were gay (not that there is anything golly heck wrong with that), I might just have a man-crush on Kevin. I mean, he’s a wizard, he has long hair, his name is Kevin, you can tell he works out a lot and he was wearing black pants in the hot and steamy Appalachian sun. It just made him all sweaty and manly and stuffs. Let’s just say he almost had me at sine wave…
The class began with Kevin waxing filthy poetic about the nature of sound in the form of a sine wave. No, this is not out of a Happy Meal pop-up book from outer space, people! Drawing a sine wave on the dry-erase board of awesome-ness, The Menear discussed how sound’s essentially a vibration moving at a certain frequency across time. Go on…go on…And regarding the frequency of its vibration, a sine wave has both a positive and a negative characteristic to it. Now that’s just crazy talk!
I knew before he could go any further I absolutely had to get this steamy monologue on tape. “Hey, hold on just a minute now, guy,” I interjected as he kept ranting and raving and whipping his long hair around. “Oh hi, yes, what can I do for you my friend?” asked the sweaty geometry wizard. “Would it be alright if I placed my fun zone audio recorder machine at your feet? Don’t worry, I’m not with TMZ or anything. No promises! Hahahahahahaha.” With a rather perplexed look on his face, our exchange went up a notch in the steamy department as I strategically placed the magic voice recorder on the ground.
“You heard me Merlin.”
“Um sure, if you want to record, that’d be great actually. Please be my guest.”
“You know what, I don’t need your permission, guy!”
Geez Louise, I was starting to get looks from some of the weirdo folk in attendance. Damn it people, don’t you know I’m an effing truth detective?!
“One more question.”
“Yes, my friend?”
“Will you be handing out rhombuses at the end of the class as party favors?”
“Fine, I didn’t want your fuckhead party favors anyways!”
“Ok, ok, no need to get upset. I’m just going to go ahead and continue on now. We have a lot to cover today.”
“Yeah, yeah, just get on with it already so I can go take a nap and play with some mermaids.”
With my jimmies thoroughly rustled while being skeptical as all freaking golly heck get-out, I took a seat outside the stupid Temple. Freakin’ sweaty geometry wizard son of a bitch. That’s ok though, because I soon discovered there was a half-eaten Fruit Roll-up down in the depths of my shorts pocket I totally forgot was there. Don’t you just love surprises? That’s alright, I’d let the sweaty geometry wizard win this round – I suppose.
Over the course of almost 90 heat-seeking turd sandwich minutes of sacred geometric action-packed diatribe, The Menear covered a broad range of inter-connecting, exotic zoo animal ideas from the Schumann resonance to everything Fibonacci, revealing the relationship us peoples have with sound, one another, nature and the universe. Sweet Jesus, I feel so dirty just talking about this wacky stuffs. Don’t you dare go fucking telling anyone now! But as much as I wanted to take a nappy poo, all of this kooky wisdom from another solar system was slowly pulling me in with its tractor beam. Oh the filth! The section of his workshop that tickled my fancy the most began with a goofy analogy, which although obvious as gangbusters, could still easily be overlooked if you’re a big ole dummy person. One regarding the relationship between octaves that exist in music and “chakras.” And no, I’m not going to explain what freaking octaves and chakras are. That’s what Reading Rainbow is for – obviously. Ya big dummy!
Anywho, the time had come for the acoustic guitar to make an appearance. Oh yeah, now it was getting real juicy. As he slowly unzipped the guitar case, the juicy anticipation was almost too much. Like whoa dude! I think a couple of girls even squealed actually (and deep down, maybe I did too). I mean, what could he possibly be getting ready to do? Serenade us with a song about four-dimensional hyper-planes that transcend reality? Or just maybe he would play a song we could all sing along to. Like “Takin’ It to the Streets” by the Doobie Brothers. The “It” being Sacred Geometry of course. Duh. No, you guessed wrong yet again. It would be neither of these turd sandwiches as a matter of fact. What does he do instead? He takes out the guitar and in lieu of teaching us how to lure hot festie babes, Kevin just played one frikkin’ note. I’m like, “Hello, you got the frikkin’ guitar out of its case just for that?” Of course, he just absolutely had to further illustrate his precious little talking point. Geeeeez, guy. What is this, some kind of a workshop? It got better though. Pinky swear promise. So yeah, I’ll just STFU already. = 0 )
As he continued to play single notes (yawn), The Menear moved up an octave each time he strummed the guitar string. By moving up just one octave, he explained, the frequency of the sound generated was not only higher, but it was being doubled. Freaking doubled! Double the fun, double the pleasure! Every time Kevin played a higher octave, the frequency continued to double and double and so on and so on and so on. Tying into the very first filthy idea he went over, it was essentially a Sine wave doubling in frequency with each lick he played on the guitar. He then went all Carlos effing Santana Sacred Geometry on our asses…
“We see octaves in music, but it shows up in other places as well. One of the best places to learn about octaves is in the chakra system, which is the root, the sacral, the solar plexus, the heart, the throat, the third eye and the crown. If we are talking about octaves, then why are there only 7 chakras? The notes are A,B,C,D,E,F and G. And then it starts over at A one octave up. What is this showing us then? What it’s showing us is that as we evolve, it’s more than just another step. It’s a whole new octave. It’s a leap into a whole new way of being. So above our crown chakra, which we perceive as the height of our being, the full understanding of who we are – is actually the next octave of existence.”
I’m not going to lie. Anything involving the alphabet is pretty fucking amazing. Then again, although it was a relatively simple concept to sink your paws into, I needed some further explanation business. Each time we “moved up an octave” with regard to our chakra system, what was actually taking place? Did this somehow mean we were taking on an entirely new set of 7 chakras? Where did the old chakras go? This sounds like a lot of work. Is this going to be a lot of work? What kind of work exactly does this moving into the next level of existence mean? Will I need to get another smoothie first? Have you tried the Tropi-dosio yet? Nooope – Carlos Santana Reprise, beeeotch…
“This is what is known as evolving to the next density of existence. Some call this the next dimension, but the word density is much more appropriate as it hints at a completely new experience…The different densities are not parallel realities, which suggests that they are next to each other, but are actually different experiences of the same one. The universe that you perceive depends upon the frequency of the vibrating energy that is your consciousness.”
With no need for a smoothie and still operating along one filthy set of 7, it is the frequency of the energy vibrating within our entire chakra system that corresponds with our density of existence. True fucking story. As enchanting as all get-out as is it would be, apparently we are not walking around with a magical fun kite of endless chakras attached to our silly heads, people! More like a cyclical energy circuit, once the vibration inside the root chakra does its dirty deed, “the flow” ascends upward through the system to our crown and then starts back over and so on and so on. All the while, our density of existence increases with each trip through the magical mystery tour. And as it increases, it is that very density which defines how we view the events unfolding around us. Jesus, I’m starting to sound like a talking robot here. I might as well be working in the filthy wizard’s geometry sweatshop while I’m at it. But yeah, apparently it shapes how we experience the world we live in. It is this “world” we know which is in fact the reality we are “manifesting” for ourselves – good, bad or golly heck indifferent. And it all comes back to this not so wild and crazy notion of moving into a life of higher consciousness. Okay, now I think I’m starting to kinda get it. Your move, you sweaty wizard you…
“What we experience as vibratory energy of lower frequency (e.g. fear, anger, sadness, hatred) is actually us tapping into the lower densities of experience. What we experience as vibratory energy of higher frequency (e.g. bliss, love, enlightenment) is actually us tapping into the higher densities of experience. As the frequency of your consciousness rises, you experience higher and higher densities of existence.”
Well gosh darn it heck, that changes everything. I’m dialed the fuck in right now and there just might not be any going back, mister! So you mean to tell me that if someone is for whatever reason living the life of a negative silly goose, then they’re mired in a kind of lower density feedback loop of nonsense? Well that does not sound very super duper fun at all! It’s like, “Hey, what’s the deal here, guy???” But if that certain silly goose person can somehow break out of this vicious cycle of a negative cluster and start ridin’ funky along the Soul Train of everything positive, it’s an exponential game-changer? Golly gee willickers, it’s a good thing nobody in the outside world knows about this stuffs! Quack quack!
“As the frequency of your consciousness rises, you experience higher and higher densities of existence. From root to crown: you exist in the higher density, you perceive in the higher density, you understand in the higher density, you feel in the higher density, you act in the higher density, you communicate in the higher density and you love in the higher density.”
So there you have it: the meaning of life. It’s time to take it to the streets and Doobie Brother the shit out of everything. Clearly, there is nothing left to see here folks. The show is over; the geometry wizard has left the Temple. And he took his guitar and dry-erase board of awesome-ness with him! He probably went to the creek to seduce mermaids and whip his long hair around in the water like a wizard stallion. But seriously though, Kevin freaking Menear didn’t actually leave and go play with mermaids. If only we could’ve transported the mermaids to the Temple in an oversized fish tank though. I’m putting that in the comment box. So anywho, although this density of existence business was and still is extremely intriguing to me, there was more to this Sacred Sound Geometry shit-show madness. I mean, how do we go about raising this vibration of ours? Flintstone vitamins? What about an instruction manual? Or maybe one of those fruity-ass “life coaches?” You know what, maybe I should just install a super fancypants computer chip into my precious, innocent body instead. Fuck yeah I will! Perhaps they’re harvesting those around here somewhere?
I mean, surely there’s an application of this scandalous insight into the human condition. Surely. If not, I’m hiding the Temple chalkboard in the forest somewhere! In the meantime, there’s an old adage/idiom/funny talk that my Pappy once told me that I’m gonna throw in to tickle your taint. “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.” Well of course, you can’t force it! Have you ever tried to make a horse do that? FYI BTW – I haven’t either. Buuuuut anyways, although it was implied by The Menear rather than him actually installing us with high density fancypants computer chips (which would’ve been waaaaaay easier), his workshop wasn’t just about taking us down the beaver hole of Merkabas, zany Tesla experiments and everything 432 Hz. Talking about wacky “mind-expanding” ideas and sharing zany information sure is super duper swell as fuck, but it doesn’t stop there. Oh boy, like heck it does! We needed to start working out our brawny density muscles. Work it, work it, work it! It was up to us to put this deliciously filthy inside scoop into practice.
(Ok, ok, ok, here’s where I’m going out on one of the filthiest, potentially most dangerous truth sleuther limbs I’ve ever gone out on. Might need to hook up a life raft to the trunk of this nasty wildebeest. While I’m at it, I’m gonna attempt to do something terrifying to the golly heck max – think for myself. Eat your heart out – jimmies, willies and Stan Van Gundy’s of fear triple decker sandwiches! I’m going for it, bitches!!!!)
Gee whiz, I just love maiden voyages, don’t you?!
So how do we start becoming a poster child for getting in tune with this increased density mumbo jumbo anyways? What do I look like, your freaking nanny life coach person here, you lil sissy? Ok, ok, don’t answer that one. I think I’m a lil too hopped up on a Fruit Roll-up high right now, folks. Woooooo, shouldn’t have quadruple-fisted those guys in one sitting. Whoa boy! But yeah…hmmmmmmm…what kind of angle do I want to take while penetrating inside such a steamy mad caper? Alright, I got it!
Like anything in this weirdo stream of life that everyone out here seems to be heavy petting, I suppose there might be more than one way to arrive at the fun station. But regardless how you go about it, word on the street is nothing can ever replace returning to your “Source.” No, not your precious PLUR pillow. No, not My Little fucking Brony. No, not even quadruple fisting Fruit Roll-ups either. I know, it was a real toughie to wrap my head around that one. But for realz, I’m talking about the Source. With regard to this idea, it was actually toward the beginning of the class that El Menear made us pair up with some rando from our class for a super duper exercise. One where we sat across from our partner and looked into each other’s eyes, taking turns sending then receiving love and/or appreciation. All the while doing this with a total stranger too. Wow, talk about a roller coaster ride on Space Mountain! Crazy Transgender festivals, I tell ya!
So the point of the exercise was to show us how, just as the vibratory frequency of a sine wave expands and contracts, so does the vibratory frequency within us. Stay with me now, folks. When we are giving love, we are essentially expanding ourselves into another being. Oooooooo-ahhhhhhhh! And when this love is given back to us, we are in turn contracting while on the receiving end of this energetic touchy-feely-a-thon. Although it can be pretty darn challenging to give and receive love at the same freaking time, it’s when we arrive at stillness within ourselves that it can even happen. On the big picture level, it’s the stillness existing within the universe and it’s the flow of everything. Errrrrrrrry-thaaaaaaaaaang! Oooooooooooooo! And it is that very same stillness which centers and allows us to be in tune with the true “essence” of who we are. That center within each and every one of us being: the Source. Yes, each and every one of us. No matter how constipated, pathetic, despicable or just plain silly you may be, the stillness of the universe is down there somewhere. Golly, it might feel like you’re diggin’ a hole to the Land Down Under or Palookaville – but it’s down there…somewhere. Pinky swear promise #2. Okay, and lollipops too!
(Ok, ok, are you still with me? You better gosh darn heck be. Cuz shit’s about to get pretty freakin’ cray-cray like an infinity pack o’ motherfuckin’ Crayola cray-dizzle. You know what, I might as well put on yet another layer of truth sleuther spandex armor while I’m thinkin’ about. Good lord, it’s getting steamy as all get-out inside here!)
So perhaps one of the best places to start this filthy process off is by getting grounded into ourselves and in turn the Universe – everything. And what better way to do so than re-connecting with our breath. I know, I know – sounds like some real comic book super hero kind of shit. But dang it, before you think I’m gettin’ crazy with the cheese whiz here, folks – just hear me out. Because once we get aligned with our hot and heavy breathing, we can really get that ball rollin’ in the right direction like gangbusters. Because when we stop hyperventilating and direct our focus back inward, we can then begin to move toward this stillness – this infinite nature. It could be by way of meditation, weed wacking your living room, stripper-pole yoga or whatever. Yes, I know the latter two activities might be a bit of a stretch, but who am I to say? Maybe I’m going out way too far on this raunchy investigative limb here, but it’s important to note that even before we can have a clear channel needed to mutually share our love and appreciation with someone else, we must first find it within our own self. To essentially give and receive love with our true self. Just as the old super swell saying goes, “garbage in, garbage golly heck out,” apparently there is a pretty gosh darn rewarding inverse to this stuffs. For the more we move inward toward this wacky Source business (contraction), the greater our capacity becomes (expansion) for realizing and living out our “authentic” self (whatever that means), our innate potential, our art and last, but certainly not least – having tea parties with Squirtle and Count Chocula. Oh yeah, and kicking ass at life too!
So apparently existing in a higher density doesn’t come with a remote control, ya big silly. Awww shucks, this evolving tomfoolery sure is a ton of golly heck work, I tell ya! Woooooo, I’m gettin’ a big ole sweaty truth workout just talkin’ about it! To start pulling ourselves up by the ole chakra bootstraps and raise that vibration – you gotta get in to get out. You know the old cheesy-ass saying about “how we have to love ourselves first before we can love someone else?” Now just how fun as fuck is that? And you at home might be sitting there picking your butt while licking your lips saying, “Yeah, yeah, blah, blah, blah…whatevs. That’s just a bunch of friggity frack truth detective mumbo jumbo tossed salad shit-ball stew! That’s so 20th century or some stuffs, right?” Actually, that’s like always been the case all along for like ever and ever and will continue to be so, yo! At least that’s what I’ve been told! It’s one of those wacky things that for some stupid, silly reason seems to go in one of your filthy ears and out of the filthy-ass other. Floating out in the topsy-turvy chaos of our modern effing lives. Then riding that slippery slope right out into oblivion, you end up loathing every gosh darn thing about you. Next thing you know, you’re self-medicating at a Corey Feldman show and BOOM – ROCK BOTTOM! That’s exactly how the entire filthy charade goes down every time too! True fucking story. I mean, not that I would know anything about that. Ya know…hmmmm….come to think of it, Corey Feldman and that Skrillex peckerhead sure do look a smidge alike. Oh boy – now that’s one real hot doozey of a steaming scoop right there! You heard it here first folks!
But you know what? Regardless of where this timeless truth may be drifting out in the fun zone sauce ether, apparently there were all kinds of practical nuggets of insight and wisdom percolating around this experiment in freedom festival or whatever the golly heck it was. Maybe even some hokey pokey healing action too. Shhhhh, don’t you dare go fucking tell anyone. Can’t be havin’ anyone in the real world knowin’ about this stuffs! Maybe there were even missing pieces to the screwy, loosey-goosey puzzles of our lives that were both accessible to everyone and interchangeable like a gawl dang Rubik’s Cube depending on the weirdo person situation. Now that’s just crazy talk! But dang it, they were out there somewhere though. Out there just waiting to be inserted into your filthy humanity with extra juicy soul lube or whatever the hell it requires. However, sometimes it just takes a dry-erase board toting, guitar strokin’ sweaty geometry wizard to hand you some of those pieces. And then you put them in your Guatemalan hip-sack you bought from a guy named “Sheep-fucker.” Oh, sweet Monte Crisco! Perhaps ready to fill in the blanks at a moment’s notice. Or maybe, just maybe, it required much more truth detective work along the way to somehow, some way provide greater context into your own goofy situation. Either way, my freakin’ curiosity had been lured right out of its fun bag! Apparently there’s much, much more to this life we thought we knew. Perhaps these Transplantation festival wanderers really are onto something here. But just what could it possibly be? Welp, while they’re off figuring that out, I think I’ve done enough penetrating inside the heart of this rough and tumbly wildebeest of fun for today. Maybe I’ll eventually get around to movin’ down the workshop detective buffet line. Before ya know it, wham-bam-thank you-ma’m, I will be packin’ in like 30 of these things in one day! Surely the next one will fly by in a jiffy. In the meantime, let’s see what I can get into tonight…
Hey, not bad for my first ever sweaty workshop class, right?
BE SURE TO JOIN US FOR NEXT WEEK’S BLISSFUL IDIOT EPISODE: “THE CASE OF THE SUPER FILTHY HOSPITALITY TENT”